By David Pavek

There may be people who have said or done things to you in the past which hurt. These actions and words can be some of the most painful events in your life. They can include all aspects of life. It can be a minor insult about your weight. It might be a terrible lie told by your spouse, or some form of treachery by a family member, brother, child, or parent.

No matter what the actions or words were, to move forward, you need to look back on these actions. To be vivid and clear, your observation of the past should be honest, assessing blame and fault where appropriate and fair. What role did other people have? What role did you play?

When you reflect on the past, your emotions literally can get the better of you. These emotions can be the obstructions to a clear view. As a result of your reflections, you may become bitter, angry, shameful, or sad. These emotions may be overwhelming and prevent you from properly managing these memories. Over time, you might avoid thinking about painful memories, as they bring only more bitterness and anger. You may well develop a sense of helplessness’s.

Try your very best to forgive. In fact, the most productive action you can take toward your hurtful memories is to forgive the people involved for what they said and did.

Until you forgive, you will not be able to overcome the hurt. Until you overcome and manage the past, the lies, treachery, and painful conduct will continue to control you. Why let lies, cheating, or back-stabbing by other people control you, leaving only bitterness or hate? Why let wrongful deeds and words fester and have any further influence in your life?

Forgiveness is not easy. It is counter-intuitive. You don’t need to forget the insults and lies that have hurt you. For example, if you are wrongfully fired from a job or if your spouse cheats on you, seek to enforce your legal rights and resolve them in the court if need be. For your own sake, look at the act of forgiveness as doing something very special and meaningful for yourself, not necessarily just for others.

The act of forgiveness is a way to free yourself, not a form of “rolling over.” Forgiveness is a gift of liberation to yourself. If you forgive the people who hurt you, you can still hold them accountable. Their hurtful or intentionally wrong conduct is now their burden to bear.

You can move forward by having the courage and ability to not only endure what has been done to you, but also to tolerate the same. How can you tolerate infidelity, or lies, or all the other events in life which are the fodder for such pain and hurt? Being tolerant does not mean you agree or condone the words or actions.

Quite simply tolerance shows strength – strength of character and strength to perceive more than the disappointments of hurt and pain. Tolerance means that you are strong enough to know that you have to come to grips with the reality that “you cannot do more than the best you can do.”

The tool of forgiveness translates into being less judgmental. Grudges and ill will often develop, especially in immediate and extended families. The origin of such ill will, some event, or statement which started the whole thing, is often lost or obscured by the passage of time. To work through hurtful past memories in your family, try to be more open minded about your brother, sister, parents, or in-laws. Any increase in forgiveness and tolerance will likely result in you becoming less judgmental. In time, as your pre-judgment wanes, you hopefully may find new ways to bridge old and difficult relationships.

Remember, by forgiving or tolerating troubling conduct, you take away the memories’ ability to restrain your liberation from their previous festering hold on your life. So long as you do not forgive, these memories will act as a “stone in your shoe.” By your conscious effort to forgive, you take an important first step in really managing your past. Once you start to forgive, you’ll feel free. When you look back on certain memories, they may still hurt, but you see them more clearly. The starkness of the pain will recede from your mind the more you stop letting the past hurt keep you captive. You now control your past, and are not controlled by it.